A dreamer’s life has begun

Last time i wrote a blog post about my birthday. I really felt nice and special on my birthday. There were few moments in past week when i was again trapped in sad memories. But i am glad that duration of those sad moments were shrunk to few hours. Whenever i used to feel sad, i used to do things which i love most. I watched movies on my laptop, surfed YouTube for funny videos and also diverted my mind by watching porn. I was listening to trance for past few months. Trance is like self-healing for me. It kept me away from all bullshit thoughts. In other respect, trance made me angry too. While in gym, i used to listen to trance and i showed all anger on workout. Once i ran 8 Km while listening to trance. I just kept going. It wont be wrong if I say that i was punishing myself during workout. While lifting weights i used to think “Why it happened to me? Why did I take it casually? Why am I a looser?”. My body suffered a lot during workout. But it turned out to be in positive way for me. In this process I lost calories in my body and now I am lean and healthy.

Since after my birthday i have become a different person(here is my blog post about my birthday). I have stopped chasing people. I started believing that ‘No matter what happens, right people will stay and wrong ones will get eliminated eventually’. This elimination was not easy to accept but after couple of months now i feel that was the best thing ever happened to me. Everything what happens, happens for good cause. People who never deserved me, got eliminated from my life. I thank those who helped me to learn lesson in life.

During these times, i kept telling myself that i am not a bad person. I never did bad to anyone. Good things will happen to me. Few days ago my ex sent me text at night. She was upset with few family issues. We exchanged chats for few minutes. She just wanted to share few things as she felt i was best person to talk to. Later next day, I received a call from a girl for which I had feelings (later i was heartbroken. See story here). She topped her exam and wanted to share this news with me. I am happy for her. I am glad that she remembered me during her happy moments.

From these two incidents, i realized that i am not a bad person. If i was a bad person then i would have not received a call/text from people who parted away from me.

I have forgiven them who left me and cheated on me. They have done thousands of good things for me and did just one thing which hurt me. Value of things which hurt me is nothing in front of values of all good things and good memories i had with them. I have retained positive aspects and let go all sad memories.

Prologue

I have chosen not to look back. No story has a perfect ending. Every story ends with new beginning. This time new is me and after 40 posts its a true beginning of ‘Nemozine – A dreamer’s life’ blog

Good things will happen to me

One saddest thing about being innocent and honest is people take me for granted and try to cheat. I may be smiling but it hurts from inside when someone who is very close to me, tries to do so.

Past couple of months were full of heart breaks and disappointments.

  • I did not clear GoAir interview,
  • I failed in Financial Management exam (for final year of management studies),
  • My ex girlfriend found a new guy (who is no way better than me :p),
  • I had fight with my best friend on Goa trip,
  • I started liking a girl but later found that she was cheating on me (now she is entertaining a new guy. Even he is no way better than me),
  • My family is going through financial crisis

Start for 2014 was eventful. On 6th Jan i was called for interview at GoAir (that was the only awesome thing happened in 2014 for me till date). I studied my ass off for it and gave my best. But i could not impress interviewers to get hired. Getting rejected at airline interview was a biggest disappointment for me.

I could not recover from that shock and in same week i came to know that my ex girlfriend has found a new boyfriend. I have lot of memories with her (my laptop is full of our memories). Suddenly all those memories filled my brain and made me sad. I don’t blame her for what has happened. In fact i am happy for her that someone is taking her good care and keeping her happy. But memories of first hug, first kiss, first rain together, first love will always be stored within my heart.

In that same week, university of Mumbai declared results for final year of management studies (semester 5). Though i topped in two papers, i failed in Financial Management. I suddenly went in to depression. I really wanted to run away from this world and forget all shit has happened to me. Later i planned a Goa trip with my friend. I did not have money to spend so he sponsored my trip along with him. I really had a good time at Goa. But i was not able to forget what had happened with me in last few weeks. I never had stability of mind on that whole Goa trip. I was sad. I wanted to express my sorrowful thoughts to my friend but he was in his own world. I hardly had time to speak my heart out.

Meanwhile since last few months i had become good friend with a girl who stays nearby. We became very close. We used to go for movies, we used to workout together, she said she liked me a lot. I liked her too but i never told her my feelings because memories of my first love was still in my heart. I will never be able to replace my feeling of first love. I was waiting for time to pass so that i could forget old memories and to start developing feeling for this this girl. She cared for me very much. I always felt that this girl is always with me and will support me in every situation. I started having blind faith on her. But since January i noticed one drastic change in her. She had joined aerobics and we were no more working out together. January was a month full of disappointments. i wanted her to stand by me, but she started avoiding me. She kept giving me reasons for everything. Since she was not showing care, i was again dishearten. Suddenly everything changed against me. To recover from this, i had a trip to Goa. But it did not work.

February was eventful month too. My ex called me for help. She had an interview at Jet Airways. She wanted me to teach her few things. Initially i refused to help but later i got ready for it. It was not easy for me to see her again and accepting that she is someone else’s love. When we met i pretended i am alright and happy for her. But i was crying from inside. Later she cleared interview and simulator tests and soon she will be joining Jet Airways.

During that time i wanted my girl (who i liked) to be with me and support me. But she rarely had time for me. When we meet she used to talk about aerobics and a guy who workouts with her. I used to feel dishearten. It added to my stress. I just wanted her to listen to me and be with me but she never gave me that time to hear my heart out. I asked her to spend Valentines days evening with me but she refused it by saying she has aerobics classes and she cant miss those. I did not say anything.

A day after valentines day, i wanted to meet her. She said she will be in library till evening. I desperately wanted to see her because it was raining and weather was very romantic. I drove to her library and planned to wait till evening to see her lovely smile. But then i saw her leaving library in afternoon. She got into car. I wanted to give her surprise but she drove her car away before she could see me coming. I followed her but i could not overtake her due to traffic. After few minutes she stopped her car. I thought to walk towards her and say hi! As i was getting out of my car, i saw one guy entering her car. I was shocked. He was that same guy in her aerobics classes.

She started driving and i followed her. I called her few times while driving but she did not respond despite seeing me on call. She did not notice i was following her. I wanted to know where she was going. She told me she will be in library but in real she was with this person. She drove her car towards movie theater. As she parked her car, i got out and went to her. She was shocked to see me. I did not expect this from her. She cheated on me. I was helpless and cursed my destiny.

On the way back, i was crying in my car. I was a completely helpless soul.

I wish i never had feelings for her. These days i see her driving along with same guy. When i see them together, i die every time. She liked me a lot and said i was very special for her. But i never thought it was a lie.

I always wanted to recover from depression but these series of events made me weak and sad. Its been almost a month, i am recovering from it. Its not easy but i can see improvement within.

In last few months i experienced series of rejections in each and every event. I wrote diary whenever i used to feel low. I kept watching inspiring videos on YouTube. I never stopped working out in gym. I challenge myself in gym and train hard.

be honest anyway

This though period is still not over. But i am sure it will pass by and very soon i will be a strong person. I have promised myself that i will never think of revenge. I will keep doing my karma. Good things will happen to me.