Being myself on birthday – 2015

Last month I was talking to one of my friend. She asked what are my plans for birthday? I said “Goa“. The moment I said Goa, memories of last year flashed in my mind. I was at Goa in last January and it was a real tough time. But this time it was different.

I kept the plan a secret. I also kept my birthday hidden on Facebook so that I don’t get unwanted notifications and messages. These days i feel, it is just a formality to wish someone on Facebook. Since I had kept birthday invisible, I got relieved from unwanted formal birthday wishes.

I planned to reach Palolem by evening of 2nd April. Spend birthday on beach and fly back to Mumbai on 4th April.

On 2nd April, I reached Palolem by 7:30 pm. It was dark by the time I arrived. Sound of waves and land breeze was a perfect welcome for me. I walked down towards Beach Huts where I had bookings done. The feeling of being at beach was awesome. I entered my hut and got amazed. It had a beautiful beach view. Right from my hut, I could see Monkey island and beautiful Palolem beach. The scene was very romantic. It is perfect place for lovebirds to have quality romantic time. I was alone and I could feel the romance in the air.

View from my hut
Panoramic view from my hut

I kept luggage in the room and started walking on the beach. I fell in love with sound of waves. Kinare song from Queen movie was on my playlist and I was having best time of my life. After spending relaxing time on beach, I was at a beach restaurant. They had arranged dinner tables on beach along with candle lights. I could see full moon with beautiful stars right in front of a candle at my table. I had ordered Goa’s special Prawns curry and rice.  There I had a visitor. A dog walked down towards me and sat next to my table. I think he did not want me to eat alone. He gave me a lovely company.

A dinner was followed by a long walk on beach. By the time it was 10:30 pm, I was tired. So I started reading a novel. It was novel by S Hussain Zaidi – My name is Abu Salem. By the time it was 11:30pm, I kept novel and phone aside and went for a walk on beach. Night was even more beautiful with those ariel firecrackers. There was a wedding ceremony at the other end of the beach. I considered it as someone was telling me that “Hey brother, look there! Sky is beautiful and it’s a special night”. I did not realise it was 12 am. I was looking right at the moon. He had a bright smiling face. I felt loved! The universe was sending me love. I never felt this much amazed in my life. After a peaceful walk, I went inside hut and found my phone ringing. That was Minu. Very sweetly she wished me happy birthday. And then Mom called. I felt so much loved. I wanted to hug her right then.After talking to her, I switched off my phone because I did not want to answer any unwanted call. And then I went gentle into that good night, waiting for beautiful sun to rise.

It was a special morning. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning. I got fresh and went for swimming. Sea was warm and pleasant. I dived in and kept breathing the fresh air. Sun was still hiding under easterly direction and I was eagerly waiting for him to rise and wish me on my birthday. The feeling was awesome. I could feel the joy in the air. The calmness of sea and silence of beautiful morning was making me feel special. By the time I finished swimming, sun was above horizon and showing off his orange color. I was continuously staring at sun. It was a great feeling. I never felt so much relaxed before. I closed my eyes and prayed.

Freedom
Freedom

After swimming, I decided to go for kayaking. It was early morning and sea was calm. It was best time to go for kayaking. I took a dry bag along, kept my goggle, mobile phone inside and headed towards sea. I started stroking with paddle and within no time, I was moving away from shore. I kept stroking hard as if I wanted to run away from everything. I never felt like stopping and looking back. I know if i look back, I will be worried about what has left behind. So I chose not to look back and kept stroking. After boating for half an hour, I was very far from land. I stopped stroking and let the boat settle. Loosened up my grip and stretched my legs and lied down on boat. I managed to balance myself. At that moment I was right inside sea and nobody was around. I had goggles on and i was looking at blue sky. My world never felt so calm before. I counted 100 to 0 (what i frequently do to get relaxed). After counting till number zero, I started stroking again and made a 180 degree turn to head towards coast.

As I started heading towards coast, I saw some black colored object right ahead of me. I did not care to observe. I kept stroking. And then again I saw that. I tried to focus. And it was a dolphin. I could not believe my eyes. Three number of dolphins were right 100 meters away from me and were crossing my path from right to left. I stopped and kept admiring them. I felt like those dolphins did not want me to be alone in sea and came to wish me on my birthday. I never felt so amazed before. I had special visitors.

Day at the beach
Day at the beach

I spent rest of the day relaxing on beach, reading a novel and enjoying beautiful view. A day was about to end and sun was heading towards west direction. It was a beautiful scene. Sun was turning into orangish and I was walking on the beach. I had headphones on and Bryan Adams on my playlist. I was observing people enjoying at the beach. Fishermen were getting ready with their boats, kids were building forts with sand, lovebirds were enjoying swimming, sun was setting down and I was walking without worries. It was a great feeling. I never felt alone. As the sun was setting down, I was observing how he was changing his color from golden to orange to red. He was waving me a good bye. I clicked him. He looked special. I kept looking at him and thanked for all happiness and strength.

Sunset
Sunset

After dinner, I was again at beach. It was dark. I was sitting on sand and observing the waves. I felt addicted. Though I was alone, I never felt alone. I was happy. I had inner peace. A perfect birthday was about to end. I looked at the moon and he was still smiling. It was midnight and I was King of my happy kingdom.

That day I realised that my world isn’t big. It is very tiny. It has space only for happiness. This journey started with #100HappyDays and here here I am. Stress-free, Happy and Dreaming.

What has changed is ‘Me’

Its been 4 months since I have been working at IndiGo. Life has changed a lot since then. Before joining IndiGo I was studying at Mumbai university. I used to travel to university by local train and followed by bus. I never liked my daily routine. But I had no other alternative. I still remember how tired I used to feel while traveling during those peak hours. From Nerul to Kurla station in local train and then to Mumbai university by BEST bus. After finishing lectures, I used to stand at bus stop during rush hours. Life was very hectic.

But now after 4 months, everything has changed. To operate flights, I travel to airport on same road which passes close to Mumbai University. It’s a road on which i have spent my past three years of college life. Earlier I used to travel by BEST bus and now I travel in sedan car with chauffeur on board. Whenever I pass by university gate, I get emotional. Few months ago i was here, lost and tired. But I had hopes. And now I am living my life which i had dreamed of. Its a same road, it has same potholes, buses are same, bus stands are same, rush of passengers is same. World has remained same as it was. But what has changed is me.

When i was jobless, I used to visit a Jari mari. This place is very close to runway 27 of Mumbai airport. I used to sit there for hours just watch aircrafts taking off and land. But now when I operate a flight from Mumbai, I see Jari Mari from my cockpit window. I have an emotional attachment with that place. Few months ago, I used to sit there and dream about sitting in cockpit. And now i am living a dream life. Aircrafts are same, airport is same, runway is same, Jari mari is same. But what has changed is me.

I often operate Goa flights. I really enjoy flying over goa. Specially while landing on runway 08 of Goa. For this approach, aircraft flies over sea and lands on runway which is few hundred meters away from water. I still remember that time in january 2014, I was in deep trouble. I had failed in university exam, had suffered a heart break and had few financial issues. It was a very tough time. So, to make myself relax, I planned Goa trip with Deepak. I had no money back then so Deepak financed it. When in Goa, I visited Baga beach, Aguada fort, Chapora fort and other places. I remember the evening which we spent at Chapora fort. Me and deepak were lying on defensive wall of Chapora fort. On his phone, Deepak played hallelujah song by Jeff Buckley. As sun went down the sea, i went emotional. I felt was very helpless and lost. I closed my eyes and concentrated on lyric. After few minutes, calm breeze, shining stars and music made me relax. After few moments, I opened my eyes and right there in open dark sky I saw one aircraft was flying over beautiful skies of Goa. That aircraft flew west to east right over my head. I was lying there and was dreaming myself in that aircraft. Music, sound of waves, stars and aircraft gave me courage to believe in myself. Those 20 minutes spent there made me strong enough to fight against odd.

Last week when I flew out of Goa, I gave a quick glance at beach. There I could see Aguada fort, Baga beach and Chapora fort. And suddenly series of memories had flashed in my mind. I have achieved my dream of being in airplane which flew over Goa. It was same Goa, beach was same, Chapora fort was same. But what has changed is me.

I always knew I deserve better place  in life. Since last one year, the whole world has remained same. But what has changed is me. Time does not stop but it changes for sure. It changed for me because I had a dream and only thing I did was – I protected my dream.

Be a dreamer. Life has awesome surprises ahead.

Good things will happen to me

One saddest thing about being innocent and honest is people take me for granted and try to cheat. I may be smiling but it hurts from inside when someone who is very close to me, tries to do so.

Past couple of months were full of heart breaks and disappointments.

  • I did not clear GoAir interview,
  • I failed in Financial Management exam (for final year of management studies),
  • My ex girlfriend found a new guy (who is no way better than me :p),
  • I had fight with my best friend on Goa trip,
  • I started liking a girl but later found that she was cheating on me (now she is entertaining a new guy. Even he is no way better than me),
  • My family is going through financial crisis

Start for 2014 was eventful. On 6th Jan i was called for interview at GoAir (that was the only awesome thing happened in 2014 for me till date). I studied my ass off for it and gave my best. But i could not impress interviewers to get hired. Getting rejected at airline interview was a biggest disappointment for me.

I could not recover from that shock and in same week i came to know that my ex girlfriend has found a new boyfriend. I have lot of memories with her (my laptop is full of our memories). Suddenly all those memories filled my brain and made me sad. I don’t blame her for what has happened. In fact i am happy for her that someone is taking her good care and keeping her happy. But memories of first hug, first kiss, first rain together, first love will always be stored within my heart.

In that same week, university of Mumbai declared results for final year of management studies (semester 5). Though i topped in two papers, i failed in Financial Management. I suddenly went in to depression. I really wanted to run away from this world and forget all shit has happened to me. Later i planned a Goa trip with my friend. I did not have money to spend so he sponsored my trip along with him. I really had a good time at Goa. But i was not able to forget what had happened with me in last few weeks. I never had stability of mind on that whole Goa trip. I was sad. I wanted to express my sorrowful thoughts to my friend but he was in his own world. I hardly had time to speak my heart out.

Meanwhile since last few months i had become good friend with a girl who stays nearby. We became very close. We used to go for movies, we used to workout together, she said she liked me a lot. I liked her too but i never told her my feelings because memories of my first love was still in my heart. I will never be able to replace my feeling of first love. I was waiting for time to pass so that i could forget old memories and to start developing feeling for this this girl. She cared for me very much. I always felt that this girl is always with me and will support me in every situation. I started having blind faith on her. But since January i noticed one drastic change in her. She had joined aerobics and we were no more working out together. January was a month full of disappointments. i wanted her to stand by me, but she started avoiding me. She kept giving me reasons for everything. Since she was not showing care, i was again dishearten. Suddenly everything changed against me. To recover from this, i had a trip to Goa. But it did not work.

February was eventful month too. My ex called me for help. She had an interview at Jet Airways. She wanted me to teach her few things. Initially i refused to help but later i got ready for it. It was not easy for me to see her again and accepting that she is someone else’s love. When we met i pretended i am alright and happy for her. But i was crying from inside. Later she cleared interview and simulator tests and soon she will be joining Jet Airways.

During that time i wanted my girl (who i liked) to be with me and support me. But she rarely had time for me. When we meet she used to talk about aerobics and a guy who workouts with her. I used to feel dishearten. It added to my stress. I just wanted her to listen to me and be with me but she never gave me that time to hear my heart out. I asked her to spend Valentines days evening with me but she refused it by saying she has aerobics classes and she cant miss those. I did not say anything.

A day after valentines day, i wanted to meet her. She said she will be in library till evening. I desperately wanted to see her because it was raining and weather was very romantic. I drove to her library and planned to wait till evening to see her lovely smile. But then i saw her leaving library in afternoon. She got into car. I wanted to give her surprise but she drove her car away before she could see me coming. I followed her but i could not overtake her due to traffic. After few minutes she stopped her car. I thought to walk towards her and say hi! As i was getting out of my car, i saw one guy entering her car. I was shocked. He was that same guy in her aerobics classes.

She started driving and i followed her. I called her few times while driving but she did not respond despite seeing me on call. She did not notice i was following her. I wanted to know where she was going. She told me she will be in library but in real she was with this person. She drove her car towards movie theater. As she parked her car, i got out and went to her. She was shocked to see me. I did not expect this from her. She cheated on me. I was helpless and cursed my destiny.

On the way back, i was crying in my car. I was a completely helpless soul.

I wish i never had feelings for her. These days i see her driving along with same guy. When i see them together, i die every time. She liked me a lot and said i was very special for her. But i never thought it was a lie.

I always wanted to recover from depression but these series of events made me weak and sad. Its been almost a month, i am recovering from it. Its not easy but i can see improvement within.

In last few months i experienced series of rejections in each and every event. I wrote diary whenever i used to feel low. I kept watching inspiring videos on YouTube. I never stopped working out in gym. I challenge myself in gym and train hard.

be honest anyway

This though period is still not over. But i am sure it will pass by and very soon i will be a strong person. I have promised myself that i will never think of revenge. I will keep doing my karma. Good things will happen to me.